I plan to do a shot every time I encounter the word “gruesome.”

Pretty fucking awesome.

It turns out people look amusing when they turn around wearing funny hats.

It turns out people look amusing when they turn around wearing funny hats.


Tonight is the SEASON FINALE of Nikki & Sara Live on MTV. It’s gonna be a good special show and it’s a great end to the season. I’m really proud of
our staff for pulling off some really great shows and I’ve been so happy to
work with great people. Tune in and watch with us at 11PM tonight or set
your DVRs to support it.

  1. Camera: iPhone 5
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Exposure: 1/20th
  4. Focal Length: 4mm

"So you’ll give me this coat if I jerk you off?"

After attending a screening of the acclaimed new James Bond film, “Skyfall,” Marc Forster, the director of its critically panned predecessor, “Quantum of Solace,” has some thoughts on the film. “It seems like ‘Skyfall’s’ director, Sam Mendes has seen a James Bond movie before,” says Forster.

“Based on the way the audience reacted to a number of moments in the film — expressing joy, recognition and enthusiasm — leads me to believe that Sam Mendes watched one or more James Bond movies before setting out to make one of his own. I chose to go in a different direction.”

When he made “Quantum of Solace,” widely believed to be the one of the worst movies in the series by fans and critics alike, the director hadn’t even seen “Casino Royale,” the movie he was making a direct sequel to. “I was afraid it would give me good ideas,” says Forster.

“’Skyfall’ is actually the first Bond movie I’ve seen. I didn’t watch ‘Quantum’ because of how bad I heard it was.”

The anger with which fans reacted to his apparent lack of familiarity with the series came as a surprise. “I didn’t think it would be a problem,” he says. “I made ‘Finding Neverland’ without having read ‘Peter Pan’ – or any book ever.”

People bemoaned “Quantum’s” lack of trademark Bond elements, and also its lack of suspense, wit, and fun. “I was inspired by the Bourne movies,” Forster says, describing his approach. “I was interested in seeing how much physical action a movie could contain and still be boring.”

He thinks he might have gotten a raw deal. “I feel like I had the deck stacked against me in some ways. How was I supposed to make a good James Bond movie if I’d never seen one?” Producers Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli say they sent Forster dvds of every Bond film ever made with a note that said, “For the love of God, please watch these,” but Forster never did. He blames the screw up on his illiteracy.

Anticipation was high for “Quantum” because of the success of its predecessor, “Casino Royale.” Audience’s love of that film’s grittier approach and the introduction of Daniel Craig in the lead role made the slapdash, personality-devoid “Quantum” extra disappointing. While, “Royale” director Martin Campbell skipped a number of classic Bond elements for the purpose of giving the series a more grounded reboot, Forster appeared to have skipped them simply because he didn’t know what they were.

He continues to be largely unfamiliar with the series. At one point he asks, “Hey, that music they kept using in ‘Skyfall’ during the action scenes… Where’d that come from? That was badass!” An assistant tells him that he’s referring to the classic “James Bond Theme,” and that it’s been around for half a century and he could have used it in his movie if he’d wanted to. “Really?” says Forster. “Shit.”

Has seeing Mendes’ installment left him with an interest in exploring the series further? “I’ll definitely check out some Bond movies now that I’ve seen how fun this one was. I’ll steer clear of ‘Quantum of Solace’ though. HELLO!”

I’ve been seeing a lot of best-to-worst lists of the James Bond movies lately, and they’re fun to read, but they don’t really make sense. There are just too many of those movies for that. As a reader, I can agree or disagree with the top few and the bottom few, but how is 17 better than 18? Or 12 or 15? Is there another way of doing it?

Speaking of dewin’ it, I decided to rank the movies by just that. I saw my first James Bond movie (“Goldfinger”) when I was in 2nd grade. Absorbing those movies at such a young age gave me unhealthy, unrealistic ideas about how sex works. Like a babe who does it with Bond in the first half of the movie, I was done for. I decided to rank the movies’ sex scenes by which ones were, for me —in boyhood and manhood — the most titillating, fun to watch, and the most ludicrous. From coolest to least cool.

1. “Moonraker”

He does it at zero-gravity. ‘Nuff said. What could be cooler than floating around dewin’ it? He also does it with another hot babe earlier in the movie who later gets eaten by dogs.

2. “Tomorrow Never Dies”

Teri Hatcher’s in it. He hatches one in Hatcher! In the kind of role that usually goes to an unknown, it’s a nice change of pace to get an actress that you’ve seen before and already want to have sex with. Pierce has another good sex scene towards the beginning of the movie with a blonde babe. Some of Pierce’s best piercing!

3. “From Russia With Love”

In this one there’s a part where he walks into his hotel room and a babe he’s never met before is waiting for him in his bed naked to dew it. I remember seeing this as a young kid and thinking, “That must happen all the time!” Boy was I wrong. I’m 26, and that’s only happened to me like twice!

4. “Diamonds Are Forever”

Another one where he walks into his room and there’s a babe in his bed waiting to dew it. It’s a little less cool in this one though because he’s met her before. Still pretty cool though.

5. “Live And Let Die”

He dupes Jane Seymor into dewin’ it with him using a card trick. What could be cooler?!?!?! Also, great theme song. One of my favorite Paul McCartney songs to dew it to (that and “Junk”).

6. “Never Say Never Again”

While people say lots of bad things about this movie (“It’s a lame remake of a movie that was kind of lame to begin with.” “It’s not an official Bond movie.” “Sean Connery’s old.” “The title makes me think of Fievl.”), one thing you CAN’T say is that it doesn’t have cool dewin’ it. The villainess in is one of the wildest babes ever featured in a Bond flick — and perhaps any flick ever. They dew it, and then later, at gunpoint, she tries to make him sign a clause stating that she provided him the coolest dewin’ it he’s ever experienced. It makes no sense. I think he blows her up with his pen.

7. “Octopussy”

He lays another henchwoman who I think is one of the hottest babes in the series ever (what is it with me and henchwomen? I’m Dame Judi Hench!) and Octopussy herself — both of which make for cool dewin’ it.

8. “Thunderball”

Bond hangs out in a health spa and finds a babe nurse who he essentially blackmails into dewin’ it. Yes please! Also he does it under water, which I guess is pretty cool.

9. “The Spy Who Loved Me”

This one manages to have cool dewin’ it in it despite the presence of the word “love” in the title. He does it in a floating pod thing and a log cabin that he parachutes out of. Also, he manages to have sex with Barbara Bach’s character EVEN AFTER she finds out he killed her fiancé. That’s impressive. Most girls FREAK OUT when you tell them you killed their fiancé!

10. “Goldfinger”

He makes out with an attractive woman seconds after meeting her and does it with her, then converts a lesbian with his wiener in a barn. Both of those things are cool.

11. “The Man With The Golden Gun”

He’s about to dew it with one babe, then another one shows up, and he makes the first one hide in a closet while he lays the second one. You really have to admire this unique brand of imaginative, farcical dewin’ it.

12. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”

He does it with Diana Rigg’s character, but then ends up marrying her, so there’s nothing cool about their dewin’ it. However, he ends up in Blofeld’s mountain lair where he lays two random babes in the same night (more like George Lay-zenby!). That’s what I, and countless other lonely men who watch James Bond movies to escape reality, are talkin’ about.

13. “For Your Eyes Only”

In my opinion, this is one of the most underrated movies in the series  and by far the best Roger Moore one. But enough about the film itself; let’s talk about dewin’ it. He nails a countess who, the next morning, after a nice walk on the beach, gets run over by a dune buggy (again, that’s only happened to me like twice). Also the main love interest is a hot Greek babe that he does it with.

14. “The World Is Not Enough”

Even though Denise Richards is terrible in real life, there’s no denying that she’s a babe who it would be cool to dew it with. They dew it at the end and it’s pretty cool.

15. “Die Another Day”

This movie annoys me. People made a big deal about it when it came out because Halle Berry was in it right after she won the Oscar, but guess what: it blows. And so does the dewin’ it. Well, it’s not bad. But it’s nothing special, like the movie itself. I’ll watch the “Make me feel good” scene from “Monster’s Ball” when I want to see Halle Berry dew it (/“make myself feel good”).

16. “Quantum of Solace”

This movie is such a piece of dog shit that it makes me not even want to like the dewin’ it. I don’t think he even does it with his main love interest (fact-checking this would involve watching it again, which I won’t do). However, he does dew it with Gemma Arterton, and there’s no denying that that’s pretty cool. Then she gets covered in oil.

17. “A View To  A Kill”

A 58-year-old Roger Moore has sex with bizarre Jamaican pop star, fashion icon, and in this movie, henchwoman, Grace Jones. Wow. That pairing is strange even in the context of a Bond movie. I picture her going back to her boss (played by Christopher Walken) afterwards and saying, “I had sex with that Bond guy to get informa-“ “WHAT?!?!?!?1 You HAD SEX with that weird old guy?! Oh my god. That is SOOOOO weird to think about…”

However, while not the coolest dewin’ it, it’s novelty makes it worth taking note of, and earns it placement in the middle of the list as opposed to the bottom (sometimes you have to give dewin’ it points for making you think).

18. “Goldeneye”

This one’s all right. The babe he does it with is super cute, but it happens after a kind of serious scene which makes for more emotional, less cartoonish dewin’ it. When I watch James Bond movies, I’m looking to keep it light. (Also, whenever I watch this movie I leave the room during Famke Janssen’s scenes so I don’t “cumke in my pantske.”)

19. “Casino Royale”

This is one of my favorite Bond movies and features maybe my favorite Bond girl, but, it just isn’t the place to go to if you’re looking for cool dewin’ it. The connection between Bond and Vesper is romantic and realistic, and thus not something I’d watch to get my rocks off. Speaking of rocks, the sex scene in this movie takes place in a BALL REHABILITATION CLINIC. I’m not kidding. Bond ends up there after having his genitals tortured by a super villain. Let me say that again: BALL REHABILITATION CLINIC. Not the most charming place to dew it…

“Why don’t we go back to my room?”

“I don’t know. What if the BALL DOCTOR hears us?”

“He won’t hear us. He’s on the other side of the building, doing surgery on SOMEONE’S BALLS.”

“Yeah but, it’s against the rules. Fornication is clearly prohibited in the BALL CLINIC MANIFESTO I read while you were getting your BALLS worked on.”

“Can you stop talking about BALLS?”

“Not really James. We’re at a BALL CLINIC.”


“Fine! I’ll go somewhere else then! Somewhere where every hour of every day doesn’t revolve around the health of MEN’S BALLS!”

“Speaking of PAINS IN THE BALLS…”

“Fuck you, you dick!”

“Dick huh? Not BALLS?!?!?!”

“You are such an asshole.”

“Wait. I’m sorry. It’s just, being in this BALL place. It’s making me crazy. All anyone talks about are –“

“I know. BALLS.”

20. “You Only Live Twice”

Some people might rate this one higher, but I’m sorry, it’s just not one of my favorites. Connery’s running around Japan getting group baths and back rubs, he randomly gets close with this one babe who then gets poisoned, and then he marries a babe? It’s kind of too much. There are lots of hot Asian women but I find Sean Connery running around in a kimono and black hair piece to be a pretty huge boner killer. Thanks to this strange, crappy movie, I know that about myself.

21. “Dr. No”

It’s a little hard to say (more like Dr. I don’t Know!). Seeing Connery work his charms on a lady for the first time as Bond at the card table is iconic, as is the Ursula Andress bikini moment, but some of this stuff was racier at the time when it came out than it is now. I think it ends with a makeout sesh. in a rowboat. It’s hard to imagine things going much further than that on such an uncomfortable surface. Andress was probably more concerned about the boat’s splinters than she was about Bond’s splinter. HELLO!!!

22. “The Living Daylights”

Terrible. He doesn’t dew it.

23. “License To Kill”

Terrible. The movie sucks, AND he doesn’t dew it. I think since the Timothy Dalton ones were made in the 80s they had him not dew it because of AIDS? Lame!

I didn’t rate “Skyfall” because I haven’t seen it yet. I’m seeing it tonight. I hope it has cool dewin’ it.

As The Rolling Stones prepare to launch their 50th anniversary tour, the members of the band are excited to do what they do best: charge people lots of money.

“The rehearsals have been killer,” says singer, Mick Jagger. “There’s some great-sounding stuff coming out of our huge, nameless, backup band. I can’t wait to get out there and start charging people too much money for tickets.”

Floor seats for the tour will run at around $800.

"Keep in mind,” says Jagger, “You’re not just paying to see us — you’re also seeing our FORTY backup musicians."

“Boy are those cats good,” adds guitarist, Keith Richards. “Sometimes, when they’re really rocking, they remind me of the days when WE were a band.”

"They’re really on their game,” adds Jagger. “We have a rhythm section, horns, strings, and this great group of gospel singers that sings backup, and, when I’m tired, lead."

Fans of the classic Stones sound can rest easy though. “Don’t worry,” says second guitarist — or, if you’re counting the backup band, seventh guitarist — Ron Wood. “At one point, during a stripped down, twenty-piece acoustic number, you’ll hear something that vaguely resembles the band you’re paying to see.”

“Yeah,” says Richards. “The backup band is just providing light accenting. If you get $800 seats that are really close to the stage and buy special, noise-canceling headphones (sold in our online store), a couple times during the show you can almost hear me play my guitar.”

The band doesn’t feel like they’re abusing their fans by charging too much. “If you want to talk rip-offs,” says Jagger, “let’s talk about Paul McCartney. His band only has six people in it. Some of the renditions he plays live sound something like the original recordings. LAME!”

“We’re purists,” says Richards. “The Blues was meant to be bastardized by huge groups of high-paid session musicians for audiences of white lawyers. Everybody knows that.”

Things haven’t all been easy for the band in recent years. For instance, Richards recently put out an autobiography in which he criticized Jagger heavily – personally as well as professionally.

"I’m totally over the stuff Keith said about me in his book last year," Jagger says, with a huge vein popping out of his forehead. "He’s a great player and a class act. Also, it’s great how he still can carry a tune. Oh wait. No he can’t. I was thinking about me."

Richards asks me to turn off my tape recorder, then tells Jagger to go fuck himself.

I turn it back on and Jagger says, “In the end we realized that in spite of our differences, we still love ripping people off together.”

There’s also the rumor that their drummer Charlie Watts has been dead for years and they’re Weekend at Bernie’s-ing him, which the band will neither confirm nor deny…

They do concede that this tour might not have everything fans are waiting for. “Some die-hards might be A LITTLE disappointed that we don’t have the giant balloon animals we had onstage with us during our 1980’s tours,” says Richards.

"Yeah," adds Jagger. "During ‘Street Fighting Man’ I would fight with a giant inflatable lion. That’s what made that song so good. The giant inflatable lion."

In the end, it’s all about the fans. “People love how raw our classic albums are,” says Jagger. “We’re really excited to charge people hundreds of dollars for something that is in every way the opposite of that.”

Are there any upcoming reunion tours that they’d pay to see? “I’m excited to see The Who on their upcoming tour,” says Richards. “They have a guitarist in their backup band that sounds a little bit like early Pete Townsend.”


As power is restored to downtown Manhattan and shuttle buses become available to cart people on and off the island, Brooklyn residents are finding themselves unable to maintain the “work from home” arrangements they initiated in the wake of Hurricane Sandy.

"My office has power. Other people from the boroughs are making it in. The clock is ticking on how long I can work from home and not look like an asshole," says Michael Davidson, 27.

Though the shuttle buses take forever, can only be accessed by waiting in seemingly endless lines and are filled with people who smell bad, they’re there.

"I can get to work,” says Davidson. “It’s just a massive pain in the dick.”

Unlike Lower Manhattan, Staten Island and huge areas of South Brooklyn, Davidson and his neighbors in Northern and Brownstone Brooklyn never lost power during the storm. Also, his roommates were out of town and couldn’t make it back for a few days because of flooding. “It was great,” says Davidson, tearing up a little. “It was… Great…”

For Davidson and many like him, going back to work won’t be easy. “Not going into the office for a few days made me realize how much I dislike my job, co-workers, and life in general,” he says, finishing a beer. “I thought about meeting with all the co-workers who live near me and coming up with some story for why we can’t use the shuttle bus, but I was too busy watching ‘Cheers’ on Netflix.”

It’s back to reality for much of the city’s workforce. “I’ll just have to head into the office and pretend to work there while my luckier friends pretend to work in bars and coffee shops.”